Welcome Break Rotherham: is this really Britain’s best motorway service station?

It is modelled on a Yorkshire village and came top in a new survey, with 99% of visitors praising it. But with its branches of Burger King, Pret and Krispy Kreme, what makes it a cut above?

Steady on, you’re talking about a service station, right? Absolutely not, my good fellow. I’m talking about the service station, a miraculous wonderland designed to restore vitality, banish fatigue, straighten the spine, brighten the eyes …

So it’s good, then. Good?! Such meagre praise barely does justice to this palace of abundance. Welcome Break Rotherham is not just good. It is officially Britain’s best motorway service station.

What’s in it? Why, Burger King, Pret, Krispy Kreme and Chopstix Noodle Bar among others.

You could be describing any motorway service station. Listen, you can’t argue with the data. Transport Focus, the independent watchdog for transport users, asked almost 40,000 people what they thought of the quality of their service stations, and 99% of Welcome Break Rotherham visitors said they were fairly or very satisfied.

I suppose being fairly satisfied in a food court is about as good as one can expect. Clearly, you haven’t been. This is no ordinary food court. Welcome Break Rotherham aims to look and feel like a Yorkshire village, with street names, a village square, a fountain, faux stonework shopfronts and a red telephone box containing a defibrillator.

OK, fine, that does sound charming. I’ve barely touched the surface. There is also a children’s soft play area, a gaming room, an outdoor exercise area and a dog exercise enclosure. If you’re a HGV driver, you can also use the station’s gym.

Pardon? Why does Rugby have to suck it? Because Moto Rugby is a two-time winner, and the expectation was that it would breeze to a third win. But it got cocky and complacent, and was taken out by a newcomer.

What’s in Moto Rugby? It has a Burger King, Pret, Krispy Kreme and Costa.

Out of interest, are all the service stations ranked? You want to know which was the worst one, don’t you?

Do I ever. The answer is Roadchef Watford Gap Northbound, which came 122 out of 122 service stations, thanks to its miserable lineup that includes McDonald’s, Costa, Krispy Kreme and Chozen Noodle.

Disgusting. Hey, isn’t Gloucester services supposed to be good? What? No. If we don’t mention that place, it means it doesn’t exist.

It didn’t want to take part, did it? You’re right, and it probably would have won. But still, all hail Welcome Break Rotherham, officially the best of those that were judged.